Years ago, in the pit of my codependency, before learning that the pain I was in was caused by me and my actions or reactions, I needed you to understand. I needed you to know of my pain and how you hurt me. I needed you to acknowledge what you did. I needed your apology. I needed to hear your promises of how it wouldn’t happen again. (When I say “you”, I am referring to the person whom I was in a relationship with at what ever times in my life.) The backlash of that was, then I felt bad. I didn’t want you to be hurt. I didn’t want you to feel bad. I didn’t want to upset you and have you leave. It was a sick and endless mind game I played with myself.
Boy have I come a long way baby and it is so freeing and refreshing not to be burdened by this insanity. This week I was able to speak my truth to someone who has caused me much pain and sorrow. I was very specific as to why and how I was hurt. I released the burden at the door when I left. I have let it go and I have moved on and will not allow these emotions to run my life as they have in the past. Now mind you, I am not saying that sometime soon, these emotions will not rise up again. Sadness always does when change happens. What I am saying is that when they do, I will not let them consume me. I will not feel remorse for standing up for myself and speaking my truth.
Today I received a phone call from a person wanting to say I was wrong in what I felt and defending their actions. I let this person know that it doesn’t matter what they say because we obviously do not see the situation the same way and that’s okay. I will not apologize for feeling the way I do, nor will I worry myself to sickness about hurting this person. I forgive them and that is all I need to do. I will not allow anyone it invalidate my feelings. They are mine and to me they are real. They cannot take that away from me.
I truly feel that I have handled this past few weeks with some semblance of grace and dignity. I am proud of myself and see how far I have come in my recovery. I feel good about the choices I’ve made and the love and respect I showed myself. I am celebrating my success and growth!
Change can be difficult and sometime painful but it is not the end of life as we know it. Something better is always waiting! Stay strong by doing what is right. Forgive and let go. You deserve to be healthy and happy!!