The Swoosh of the Backslide

Did you hear it? It was so quiet one would scarcely notice. The “swoosh” of the backslide. My backslide. Not even I heard it. I was just there. I missed all the warning signs that I’m sure were posted all along the way. Do you know why? I missed them because I was too damn busy trying to rescue everyone and take care of their problems for them. I forgot about…more appropriately, ignored all the things I needed to do to take care of myself and keep my peace. 

Over the past four months I have been very, very busy. It started with, “I don’t even know where to begin…” and has just kept growing from there. Let me give you an update:

I am still trying to take care of my brother’s affairs. I need to transfer the title to the motorcycle and the SUV to my name but the DMV is next to impossible to get a hold of and of course, there is no just showing up. I am also still trying to close a couple of his accounts.

I have not been able to visit Jeanna due to Covid-19 but have checked in with her nurse and she is doing pretty well. She is now on an all liquid diet and has even gained a few pounds. Enough that I have to go buy her some new clothes as most of hers are getting snug. The whole Medical Power of Attorney issues really stressed me out. 

Emily just finished the school year yesterday via distance learning. That was interesting. I rented one of my rooms to her best friend’s mother a few weeks ago until she could find an apartment and it has been non-stop fighting between the two girls. I am constantly coaching Emily through an issue because I don’t want her to end up being a door-mat. She is a people-pleaser to the extreme and I am trying to teach her to stand up for herself and that it’s okay to say no and set boundaries. This in itself is exhausting. 

Sarah ended up getting a restraining order against her ex-boyfriend but he has continued to email her daily. Everytime I block an email (through my business G Suite) he creates another.  It’s getting so old.

The mice are still a big problem but the termites have been taken care of.  The new exterminator gave me some mouse bait but it hasn’t helped yet. What really amazes me is that EVERY SINGLE DAY, someone tells me about the mice in the kitchen, or how bad it smells, or how we need to get rid of them, like it’s something I didn’t ALREADY KNOW. I’m about to punch someone in the mouth if they tell me again. 

This past two weeks, a friend of mine needed some help. I of course decided that I needed to be the one to help them. And I did…

Wednesday night I sat in my room and just felt so staggeringly overwhelmed. After hearing the door slam for the umpteenth time, I was on the verge of tears when I realized that I was trying to control everything in everyone’s life. I was resentful because my daughter was not doing what I thought she should be doing. I realized that I kept telling everyone what “they should be doing” instead of letting them do what they felt they needed to do. I was trying to rescue and fix things that were not mine to handle. I was giving my opinion and advice when it wasn’t asked for. Oh yes, it all started because my help or advice was asked for but I guess somewhere deep in the crevices of my brain, I stored that as a power of attorney granting me full access to butt-in.  

Well that shit (the truth) hurt and I certainly didn’t want to admit it. Then I was angry. After 15 years of learning about codependency and recovery and setting/respecting boundaries, I ended right back in the middle of all the chaos. Trying to direct it, control it, manage it…when it wasn’t even mine to do. 

So, today I’m back on the wagon, so to speak. 

Staying on my side of the street. 

Focusing on me.

Reclaiming my peace.

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