Inside Out Challenge – Day 4

The angriest letter you never sent

I have only written two angry letters in my life that I can recall. One was written just a few years ago on this blog. Technically, it was “never sent” but it was posted as an Open Letter to a Puke. I don’t know that this person ever saw it and it doesn’t matter. It was a tool, written as a way to get it out of my system and help me through the process of healing. At one point I removed it from my blog but then decided to put it back because I needed to be real and transparent. You can still read both of these posts but I must warn you, the letter contains some very offensive language.

The first “angriest letter I never sent” was written about 22 years ago. I was staying at my boyfriend’s apartment for the weekend and showed up on Friday night as planned. However, once I got there, he informed me that he was going to a concert with an ex-girlfriend. He didn’t want me to leave and being the idiot I was, I didn’t.

Of course I was hurt and angry but I was also weak and unhealthy. When he left, I took out my notebook and a pen and just started pouring out my hurt and anger onto the page. It was really weird though because halfway down the page, I stopped. Something in my head snapped and, all of a sudden, all my anger was redirected towards my father.

I turned the page and started with, “Dear Dad, F… You and the B…. you rode in on!” Then I proceeded to write 5 more pages of angry, hateful words. I blamed him for everything wrong in my life and I blamed him for anyone that hurt me. I shamed him for every single hurt he caused me, physically, mentally and emotionally. I expressed every ounce of hatred I had in my being for him, his wife and his other children. By the time I was done a sense of peace fell over me. Things I had kept bottled up inside me (whether they were true or not) were no longer a burden in my soul. They were out and I was free.

Of course the letter was never sent. I shredded it to pieces a few years later. I can tell you though, the healing I received from writing that letter was amazing. When I started on my journey of recovery, I began to realize the things I said in that letter were not reality but I couldn’t see that at the time. My life was the way it was because of the choices I made and the behaviors I allowed. I see it all now, as clear as day but back then, I was so sick and the truth about my life was hidden in my delusional world of codependency and unhealthiness.

I am grateful I never sent that letter and I am grateful for the lessons it taught me.