Warning…Foul language ahead…read at your own risk. 🙂
Every now and then I just have to sit back and laugh at myself. I mean really laugh. For all the years of recovery I have and all the tools that are in my toolbox, I still mess up. It’s just proof that I will always be a codependent and a people-pleaser. When I slip, I just need to regain my composure, work through the problem and keep moving forward.
So let me tell you what happened the other night that just sent me into a tizzy. My granddaughter’s other grandmother is this small, loud, obnoxious, pushy, crass woman who talks incessantly and very, very loudly. Did I mention she is loud? Anyway, whenever she picks up or drops my granddaughter off, she insists on coming in the house. Every time she comes in, she has to say something about the mess we have here or there or give her opinion or advice on how we should be doing something. It drives me crazy. However, I just smile and say, “Yeah” or whatever else fits the one-sided conversation.
Last Saturday, she texted me that she wanted to swing by the house and pick up my granddaughter’s homework to help her with. I texted back that I was home and to call me when she pulled up and I would bring it out. Didn’t happen. My granddaughter comes walking in and so does Grandma. Not a big deal. My dog, Louie, was shaking his head because he has some ear mites and she just went on and on about getting his ear taken care of. I told her a friend of mine was coming to look at it and help me out with him. Blah, blah, blah… her vet, blah, blah, blah…
So on to Sunday… When she drops my granddaughter off, I am in my room watching TV. My daughter answers the door and in walks the grandmother. “What’s wrong with Louie’s ear? What’s wrong with Louie’s ear?!” Before my daughter could even answer her, she starts walking down the hallway and into MY F****** BEDROOM demanding to know if my friend looked at Louie’s ear.
ARE YOU F******* SERIOUS????
The sad part is that she is one of the only people on this planet that cannot read the crazed look I had on my face. I have been told that I give a “look” and it isn’t always pretty. Especially when I’m giving you the, “ARE YOU F******* SERIOUS????” look. It is something I have to work really hard at being consciously aware of but when I am caught so off guard, shit happens. Sorry about the language but I’m just being real.
My daughter could see how pissed I was as I told her, through my clenched teeth, that my friend hadn’t been by but we were getting him some ear mite medicine in the morning. But, she was oblivious. Or, maybe she wasn’t. Then she handed me a little stained glass panda trinket that she picked up at a thrift store for me. F***…piss me off then hand me a gift. So I tried to regain my composure.
After a few minutes of loud blah, blah, blah, she turned and left my room. I could hear her again asking my daughter as to why things were all over the living room and then complaining about how she thinks my granddaughter is doing in school. (Side vent here: You do 3 worksheets with her in 3 years and you don’t think she is doing well in school? Oh good Lord, give me strength!)
Over the past 9 years, my house has become my place of peace. (Trust me. There was a time I didn’t want to come home at all.) Since my daughter and her family moved in, my bedroom has become my sanctuary. It is MY space. I have never in my life just walked back into someone’s bedroom without being invited. EVER! It’s just an unspoken boundary that lives in the universe of common courtesy and common sense. Or at least I believe it does. If it doesn’t then it should! But then again, my world is vastly different from the real world, so I am told.
Now for the codependent in me… I’m not really sure what to do. Do I address it? And if so, how? Laughing at myself now. If I address it, will it piss her off? Will she even understand how she violated a universal (not just mine, I’m sure) boundary? Is it even worth it or am I just being over dramatic? Well, I know I am a bit but seriously, WHO DOES THAT???
Journey On Strong 
Nobody does that. Well, she does. You are asking ‘Will that piss her off.” But why would that bother you? (Yep, I am aware that this is a trick question to a co-dependent. 😉 )
Years ago I actually told my mom that she would not be welcome in my home anymore is she kept on re-arranging stuff and critising it. Did not go down well but then I summed up the things she had just said in the last hour and she got the point. 🙂
A business manner of addressing this would be to write down WTF she says. Then address it in due time, tell her that you want her to stop. If it does not change hand her the list. (by the way, this advice did exactly not work in my former job and, due to politics again will not work in this job, but a girl has got to try! 🙂 ) You have the right and the duty to guard your boundaries.
Today I had this conversation with my boss:
“I wrote a 2 page burn on the work of your wife and her collegue. Just checking, can I send it?”
“Is it going to make them cry, maybe go home early?”
“It is a response to their work sending me home early, crying and quitting so yes, that would be my intention.”
“No, I don’t want to have to deal with that tonight.”
“Pffff, I’m not allowed to do anything here!” (jokingly, the rest was actually serious)
Well, anger, battling with the right amount, the right reason, the right person, the right moment… some day I might get there. 🙂
xx, Feeling
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Thank you for your comment! I really did laugh out loud about the “trick” question.
Yes, I’m eventually going to have to address the issue(s) and your suggestion is a good one. Thank you!
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Wishing you luck! I am currently using homeopathy to work out some issues I have with codependency, vanishing twin syndrome, addiction and sexual abuse (there is a lot of over lap btw). The homeopathic stuff which is supposed to bring up issues with boundaries sends me drawing up lists like that for almost every person at work. There is this uncontrolable vulcano of rage inside which is wanting to erupt. And I quit my job. Now I write it down it all makes sense. 🙂 Thank you for listening. 🙂
xx, Feeling
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Sounds like an interesting technique. I will have to look into it. There are so many layers in our codependency! Wishing you much healing and peace on your journey!!
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Great post, Terri. Get it all out! It’s the healthy thing to do… 😉
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Thanks Brian! Sometimes I just have to. LOL
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My opinion is this. It sounds like this woman is just one of those people and that you don’t want to just pick a fight with her unless you have too. So I would make a boundary, even if it is just with in your own head, that she can not come into your bedroom. Then you have a choice either say something now, or wait for her to do it again then let her have it for doing something so rude and disrespectful. If you put this in your head then when you do get on her for her rude behavior you will be saying how she is doing something totally wrong and she will be put in the wrong, and you won’t have to feel bad for getting upset because she was ssssooo wrong in what she did.
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LOL Thank you Rich! The boundary is certainly in my head alright. Right now it’s going to stay there and we’ll see what happens. Hopefully won’t have to address it and this was a one time thing. Thank you for reading and commenting!
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Loud, critical people who come into your bedroom uninvited are hell. Sometimes I’ll ask really critical people if they have anything positive to say, but it’s your house, not hers, so you don’t need her approval. In reality, I would probably put some kind of sign on my bedroom door about privacy. I really like those signs that say, “Be nice or leave.” I’m going to get one for my living room.
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LOL! I think I’ll put a sign on my bedroom door (or maybe my front door) that says, “GET OUT!” Not sure I’ll have much company after that. Hahahaha… Thanks JoAnna!
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I think you really like that idea. 🙂
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Nah not really. Just a couple of people I’d like to keep out. LOL So I guess no sign.
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I would tell her. your right, who does that? no one. she obviously has no boundaries. and thinks she is free to do as she pleases, well, in her own house maybe, not other peoples!
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Yeah, she is one of those difficult people. Thanks for reading and commenting!!
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Do you think you could meet her at the door, be nice, but do not invite her in?
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Yeah, I have tried that but she pushes her way in. When she drops my granddaughter off, she just walks in with her. At this point, it is what it is and I just have to remember that she is E’s grandmother and I will just have to deal with it. Coming into my room though will not be allowed again.
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I understand.
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