There is something that is really bothering me lately. Every time I go to read a post in a codependency group of any kind, whether it be Facebook, a forum, another blog, etc., I am overwhelmed by the term “narcissist”. Now I am by no means a mental health professional and certainly do not claim to understand one iota of the various and numerous types of personality disorders in this world, but it sure seems to me that codependents really like to sling the term “narcissist or narc” around…a lot.
It almost feels like a cop-out to label someone as a narcissist. It feels like, to me, it gives the codependent an excuse and an out from focusing on themselves and their behavior. It allows them to get up in the blame game and stay there because after all, they were wronged. Yes, yes they were, but focusing on the so called narcissist, is not doing anything to help them get better.
Let me be honest. I had never really heard the term until about three years ago and I have been on my journey of recovery for 12 years. In all my efforts of recovery, growth and healing, no one had ever mentioned to me the term narcissists until three years ago. Since then, I have only ever written one post on my blog using the term “narcissistic”, until today. And even when I did use that term, it was more of expression to describe the “self-centered, self-absorbed, egotistical…blah, blah, blah” person I was writing to.
I just feel that so many codependents are using the term narcissist or narc as a scapegoat to feel better about themselves in some way. Yes, there are people who are and there are some who have narcissistic traits but not every bad relationship we have is because of a narcissist. Some people are just plain mean, or selfish, or self-centered. Some people are just broken and some people are just straight up ass-holes. Not all of them are narcissists.
Yes, yes, yes, I know that some people are truly in, or have been in, a relationship with a narcissist so please don’t tell me to read up on it, I already have. But, not every single codependent is or has been in this type of relationship. In these groups it just seems that the term narcissist is thrown about so much that it’s the new “catch-phrase” for a codependent.
It doesn’t matter what type of person you are in a relationship with or what kind of relationship you are in. What matters is that you take a look and focus on your own behavior, boundaries, wants, needs and health. If what you want or need is not in alignment with what you are getting, then it’s time to do the work to change it, regardless of the type of person you are in a relationship with.
Oh good grief, I know I just rattled on about a whole lot of nothing here but it’s something that has been bothering me and I just needed to vent. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.