I received a text message from my brother the other night. He let me know that he just got off the phone with my ex-boyfriend, M, and that M wanted my brother to give me his phone number. He explained to my brother that he was dying of cancer.
I have friends that are still in contact with M and I know he had cancer several years ago however, it is not the cancer he is dying of.
My brother says M wants to make amends and is seeking forgiveness, but to be honest, I don’t need his amends and I have forgiven long ago. I did not forgive for him, I forgave for me. I did/do not want to carry the burden of hating him and being angry every time I had a memory of him or someone mentioned him. I just don’t have the time and energy to put into that.
I have known M for almost 39 years and had our relationship not ended in threats to kill me, I’m pretty sure I would have called him. He is a manipulator so I truly don’t believe he wants to make an honest amends. His amends, in the past, have always been a form of covert manipulation and I’m just not falling into that game.
I guess I can really see how much I’ve changed. In the past, for any person that had hurt or upset me in my life, I would have not have hesitated to pick up the phone. Today, I understand how to take care of myself emotionally and not get drawn back into the drama and manipulation. Sure, I’m curious but not enough to pick up the phone. And, I am not emotionally tied to M so I really don’t care enough to be curious enough. Does that make sense?
Anyways, I won’t be calling. I don’t need or care to speak to him or hear how he’s doing. It almost bothers me that I sound so cold and heartless. Still a twinge of codependency, “bothers me that I sound so cold and heartless”. Oh well, progress.