The Struggle Was Real

I can’t really say that life has been hectic lately because, well, it hasn’t. There has been some stress, but as usual, it all dances around finances, nothing new. I did catch the flu that left me down and out for about two weeks, but I have since made a full recovery. So why haven’t I been keeping to a semi-consistent posting schedule? I’m tired. Well, and a bit lazy. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m an emotional writer and I need something to stir me to really be able to comment on it. And while many, many things stir me, not all would be relevant to this blog (not that everything on here is). My health issues have kept me run down but I have really been wanting to post something, so here we go.

My most recent codependent struggle…

I am a giving person and help people whenever, and however I can. That’s just my nature and at this point in my life I feel I am able to do this without being taken advantage of. I know when someone is taking advantage of me, really I do. However, other people will look at a situation and automatically feel that I am being taken advantage of and do not hesitate to tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing. It irks me to no end because then I start worrying and questioning if my judgement is right and whether or not I’m going to piss them off if I don’t heed their advice. Let me give you an example without going into too much of the background.

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend and needed to move out. His car was broken down and he asked on several occasions if he could borrow mine to go to the store or work or move his things out. I did not have a problem with him borrowing my car. However, someone else did. They kept tell me, “If you don’t ever listen to anything else I say, just listed to this one thing. Don’t let him use your car!”

Now I already had been letting him use the car and I did not have a problem with continuing to do so but, then I went into a tail-spin about the other person being mad at me for letting the first person continue to use the car. I started having anxiety attacks thinking about, what if the second person directly asks me if the first person used my car? Or what if he finds out another way? It was ridiculous!

I’m a helper AND I’m a people-pleaser…Jesus take the wheel!

On several occasions I had to talk myself down…

It’s my car and I can do what I want with it.

I didn’t ask for his advise or opinion and that’s all it is. I don’t have to listen to it.

It’s not my problem if he gets upset, it’s his.

I’m a GROWN-ASS WOMAN and I can do whatever the hell I want!

In the end, I did do what I wanted to do; what felt right for me. But the struggle, to not bend to what someone else expected of me, to not cave into fear, was real!

It doesn’t take much to throw us back into a codependent tail-spin but if we calm down, think it through, and do what is right for ourselves, inner peace returns.

Oh and by the way, first person’s car is now fixed.