Well, I failed myself this weekend. Just when I think I’ve got it, I do something so stupid to prove to myself that I don’t. Thank God I’m striving for progress and not perfection but I’m doing a pretty good job of beating myself up for it.
This past Sunday I was able to visit with my Aunt, Uncle and young cousin from Colorado, my Aunt here in CA, and my father, his wife and my half-sister. We had a picnic out at Alpine Lake and it was a beautiful day. (I have more to tell you about my visit but this is just one story for now.)
My half-sister (she’s almost 18) had a box of those nasty, disgusting Jelly Bellies call Beanboozled. Here’s the description:
BeanBoozled® Jelly Belly jelly beans
Jelly Belly’s wildest collection dares you to compare some of our tastiest, most popular flavors with our craziest ones. But here’s the catch – you won’t know which ones are which!
The black Licorice bean looks exactly like the Skunk Spray bean! Sweet, luscious Caramel Corn might also be Moldy Cheese. You may think you’re tasting our world-famous Buttered Popcorn bean, but what you’ll be biting into could actually be Rotten Egg. The only way to find out what beans you’re getting is to eat them!
The Jelly Belly BeanBoozled® collection currently contains 10 colors of beans, and 20 flavors (10 “real” ones and 10…well…different ones). You can make a fun, and somewhat hair-raising, game out of it by giving your friends beans of the same color and seeing which flavors they get. But don’t be a chicken – you have to participate too. Just try not to get BeanBoozled®!
She and my uncle decided to play the game and it really was quite comical. Later, I stepped away from everyone for about 10 minutes and when I got back everyone was laughing and talking about it and the disgusting tastes they had in their mouths. My sister and her mother kept insisting that it was my turn. I kept saying “NO” and of course I got the barrage of, “Everyone else had tried one, you have to try one. It’s your turn.” Again, I was adamant I was not going to do it. So much so that Dad’s wife actually tried to put one in my mouth…that really pissed me off.
After about 10 minutes of constant nagging, Sister insisted and said, “You can do this one. It’s either toothpaste or berry blue” and showed me the box. I guess at that point, I was so tired of listening to those two that I ate it. It was toothpaste flavor which was like having a mint. They were happy at that point and not another word was said about it. However…I was pissed.
I couldn’t be pissed at anyone but myself. If I can’t stand my ground with something as pathetically stupid as that, how am I ever going to be able to stand my ground when someone hounds me about something truly serious? I have caved so many times in this area because of my stupid, people-pleasing, don’t want anyone upset with me, codependency. It was and is an eye-opener.
Again, I have to remind myself to let my “Yes be Yes” and my “No be No”, even if it’s something silly. I do not have to cave under constant pressure and worry about what anyone else is going to think or say. I NEED TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME! And, since I really did not want to do it, I SHOULDN’T HAVE!
Shaking my head at myself right now but lesson learned.
Terri, my friend, you did no worse than the rest of us would have done. I so know where you’re coming from cause I use to be the same way and still am, but to a much lesser degree. I believe my best talk with myself, after I’ve done something I didn’t really want to do, is to remind myself (as soon as I realize I’m beating myself up again) of the great lesson I just learned about myself and that is (and you know this) it took years for me to learn how to discount my feelings and make everyone else’s feelings important. It will take a LONG time to learn how to make my feelings important and discount other peoples feelings. This is why I never go anywhere without being in my own car. When people start pushing my buttons, as it were, my truck keys have the ability of removing me from a pissy situation and taking me to a place of serene peace….like Baskin & Robbins!! lol lol Try to remember..With every new level of peace…there’s a new devil and this to shall pass! You are doing acceptionally great in your recovery and I, for one, am so happy and proud of and for you!!!!
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Thank you so much for your very encouraging words! Yes, lessons still to be learned so I will give myself some grace. Bless you!!!
Please don’t shame yourself or be hard on yourself for it. The shame is destructive and will only add resistance to learning the lesson. The fact that you are AWARE and acknowledged the situation, plus organized your reflections to write about it, is tremendous growth and recovery. Best wishes. 🙂
Thank you Birdie! It was a great reminder of how easily it is to get off track and a good kick in the butt to get back on.