Looking Forward but Stressing Still

I’m heading out for a little adventure to the city of Las Vegas this week. One of my uncles is celebrating his 90th birthday and his son is throwing him a huge party at the Main Street Social Club. I originally RSVP’d to my cousin that I was coming but then at the beginning of the month, finances were not looking so good so I had to tell him I wasn’t going to make it. I didn’t call to tell my mom until this past week though. (She lives in Vegas.) When I told her I wasn’t coming she told me that I had to; that my aunties were excited to see me, especially my Auntie Ayame (she’s the one that told me I was too fat).  I explained that I just couldn’t afford to fly and that the 12 hour drive would be just too hard on me. So what does she do? She bought me a plane ticket! LOL

Now I know that my mom is not so excited to see me but my aunts are so I’m going. My mother had grown, for lack of a better word, bitter over the years. Everyone in her family says how much she has changed and how mean she has become. I’m not around her often and only talk to her every couple of months on the phone but I have certainly felt the wrath of her change over the past several years. I love her dearly but she has changed dramatically, so for her to buy me a ticket was an absolute blessing.

Mom is the one person in my life (I’m sure there are still others) that I am just totally codependent on. I love my mother dearly! I want her to be happy, I want to please her and I want her to be proud of me. Unfortunately, I don’t please her, I frustrate her. So much so that several years ago I called her to explain that I was short on my rent (she owns the house I have lived in for the past 22 years) and why and she told me, “I wish you and your brother would hurry up and die!” I just got off the phone and sobbed. It still makes me tear up when I think about it. She doesn’t remember saying it.

I know over the years, through three very unsuccessful marriages, being a single mother, and having a host of medical issues, I have taxed my mother both financially and emotionally. I also know that at 51 I really should have my life more together than I do but I don’t. I’m still working on it and maybe, just maybe someday I will. Since that conversation several years ago, I have never asked my mother for money (and I won’t) and I do my darndest to make sure I put the rent in her account every month (though I have shorted her a couple of times but try to make it up the next). She is the one person that can throw me into a tail-spin.

I talked to one of my aunties about a year or so after that conversation and told her what was said. I know she scolded my mother because Mom tries to be nice when she talks to me now. Even after several years though, I feel the strain. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and if I really needed something I know she would be there for me.

Last month, my mother told me she was proud of me and I didn’t know how to take that. You see, when I went out on permanent disability, I started a small business as a virtual assistant to help supplement my income. I learned how to build and maintain websites and many other things. Last year, I created a family tree for our family reunion. It took me months and months of research and cost me almost $300 to have it printed and shipped to Las Vegas where our reunion was to be held. Once I did that, I created a family website so that our family and hopefully future generations will be able to look at it and see where they came from. I have also created a family newsletter that I send out every couple of months.

This is all very ironic because I had always felt like the black sheep of the family. My mother has 13 brothers and sisters so our family is ginormous. I had been discussing the family website with my mom and she told me she was proud of me. It just really caught me off guard. I always wanted to hear those words from her but when I did, I did not know how to take them. I still don’t.

Anyway, it will be an interesting week. I leave Thursday and will be home next Monday night. I’m staying with my mother and one of cousins (they live together). So, I will have about 4 uninterrupted days with my mother. I’m looking forward to it but I’m stressed about it all at the same time. Maybe this is our second chance? I hope to have some wonderful things to post when it’s over.