My A – Z Codependency Challenge – Z

Zaftig

Well here we are, finally! I can’t believe I made it through the alphabet! I will have one last post tomorrow to wrap up this silly little A – Z challenge.

I was trying to find some Z words that would be different from the normal everyday Z words we use and I came across one that triggered some really harsh feeling within me.

Zaftig – of a woman :  having a full rounded figure :  pleasingly plump

Now I would certainly describe myself as zaftig today and it is true but when I was in highschool, I was NOT! However, years of people telling me that I was “pleasingly plump”, “fat” and “ugly” fed my belief that I was. And when you hold the belief that you are zadtig and ugly you feel like a BIG FAT  ZERO.

I was in my early 20’s when I started gaining weight. One day, when I was about 26, I sat down to make a scrap-book and came across a picture that made me cry. I was feeling so fat and ugly because of the weight I had gained and when I saw this picture, I got angry. I cried. How dare they call me pleasingly plump! How dare they call me fat!

The first picture with me, my step-dad Gary, my mom and Gary’s mother, is the picture I found that made me cry. The picture of me in the red dress is the day of my high school graduation. I know, cheesy smile. It was shortly before my graduation that one of my aunts came to visit and told me, “Terri, you’re too fat! You need to lose weight!”. That comment was like a punch in the gut and I hated her for it. It’s funny because today she constantly tells my mom how beautiful I am, that I have a natural beauty and that I am so kind and sweet. My mom’s response? “Yeah, she’s alright.” But whatever, I feel I have some kind of beauty but it’s the internal beauty that counts to me!

Today I look back at these pictures and many, many others and can see that I am not, nor was I, ever ugly. I am zaftig today but I don’t beat myself up for it, nor do I let it control my self-esteem. I know that my physical appearance does not dictate who I am and who I am is kinda cool (for a 51-year-old)! 🙂