Loathed, Lacked, Lost
For me there is a great distinction between hate and loathe. I hate a lot of things and have even claimed to have hated some people from time to time (though I do not hang on to that burden long) but loathe is something all together different to me. Loathe is a deeply rooted disgust. When I use the term loathe, it is not something I use flippantly. So when I say I loathed myself, it was deep and deeply rooted. It took a God-sized operation to dig that shit out. Excuse the language but that’s exactly what it was.
I loathed everything about me. My looks, my weight, my emotions, my feelings, my lack of accomplishments, even my name.
I lacked any self-esteem. I lacked any compassion and tolerance towards myself. It’s so weird to see how much compassion and tolerance I had for others but I wasn’t able to have any with myself. I lacked common sense. Well let’s be honest, I had it but failed to use it a lot of times. I lacked purpose and direction. I lacked boundaries and self-respect. I lacked a lot of things…
Because there was such a lack in my life…Let me just say that there were good things “in” my life, the lack was within myself. This “lack” led to being lost; lost in a world of denial and delusions. I was lost in a world of fear. I was lost and unable to find my way to peace and sanity.
It took work (much, much work) to find my way to who I am today. I let God into my life and learned what He thought and felt about me. I found “healthy & safe” people to encourage guide and support me through this transformation. I allowed those people to call me out on my “bullshit” and hold me accountable for my thoughts, actions and reactions and it is because of these people, and my loving God, I found myself. I love myself and I truly lack nothing in my life any longer. Well, maybe money. Yeah, money.