My A – Z Codependency Challenge – F

Fear, Failure, Feat

Wow! This challenge has been much more difficult than I expected. It is causing me to look back specifically at each issue but is giving me reason to celebrate who and what I am today. It’s a short one today so let’s get started…

I lived most of my life in fear. Fear of judgment, ridicule, gossip… I wouldn’t let you in on my secrets because they already caused me enough guilt and shame, I didn’t need yours. I was always afraid to say or do the wrong thing because I didn’t want to anger, hurt or upset someone. I was afraid of being alone; not just in a room but in life. I was afraid to meet people because I just automatically expected they wouldn’t like me. I was afraid of disappointing others. I was afraid of being honest. I was afraid of showing my emotions. I was afraid, I was afraid, I was afraid…Fear controlled me. It was all False Evidence Appearing Real to me.

I felt like a complete failure in life. I was a failure as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter, and as a human being. I thought so little of myself that I could not see reality. I was caught in that endless cycle of rescuing and resentment. I did…you didn’t…I’m angry at both of us now. So let me try again…

When my pain finally became greater than my fear, I was able to start the journey of change. The greatest feat I’ve ever accomplished was stepping into the rooms of recovery with an open mind and a willingness to change. I became willing to learn and acknowledge my own unhealthy behaviors. I stopped living in the denial that I had no part in causing the chaos in my life. It took great strength and courage to focus on myself, face my own demons and make the change but I did it!

Thanking God every day!