My A – Z Codependency Challenge – E

Enabler, Excuses, Evasive

Let me just start this with the saying, “You don’t know what you don’t know” and I didn’t know. I didn’t know what an enabler was. I didn’t know that all my “helping” was actually “harming”. I didn’t know that trying to save someone from their toxic behaviors was feeding their need to continue. I didn’t know that my “unselfishness and self-sacrifice” was unhealthy. I didn’t know.

When my ex was in the throes of his addiction I could not see the part I was playing. When he needed a ride to get his drugs, I drove him. When he needed money (for whatever lie he told me), I gave it to him. When he ran from the police after crashing his car, I hid him. When he was verbally abusive, I danced the dance. And on and on and on…

I made excuses for him when he did not show up for work. I made excuses for him when he did not show up to family/friend functions. I made excuses for him when he totaled my car. I made excuses for him when he verbally and physically abused me.

There was so much chaos in my life and I was ever so evasive about it. When someone asked how things were going for me I would respond, “Great!” Totally and utterly a complete lie. I avoided personal conversations as much as I could so that not so much as a tiny hint of emotion could expose me. I was so evasive about the reality of my life; I straight up lied about it 24/7. And guess what? I was lying to myself, too.

Oh good grief that was so ugly to write.

I now understand that trying to help someone who is not willing to receive it or ready to do the necessary work themselves to change is unhealthy. I check my motives before I help. I do not make excuses for anyone and their bad behaviors and I do not lie about my life any longer. My life is an open book and again, I don’t care who judges it. It amazes me that I was this person in the past but today I can find myself pretty amazing.

9 thoughts on “My A – Z Codependency Challenge – E

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  1. Wow, that totally hit home for me. I did the same for my ex. As he rolled in at 5a.m. from a gig the night before, I knew he had been with someone. Too hard to face the truth myself. The kids would ask what time did dad get home. I would say oh his normal time, my skin crawled with every word. We lived away from family for reason (3,200) miles. No one could get to close to see the damage being created. I drank numb myself of all the wounds surrounding me. Wish I would have been stronger. I just got hit so hard (no excuse). What you wrote was excellent. I bet a hard one too. Each line I was right there. 18 years of marriage…Praising God I finally wised up and looked up. It was a circle of co-depedancy. Around the circle we went. He too is an alcoholic. I don’t know much of him these days. I can only pray he will find sober, and order with God once again. Thanks for sharing!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment Lisa! You know the saying, “we are only as sick as pur secrets” (or something like that) and I was so sick. Thank God we did the work to live a healthier and happier life!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. A very insightful blog. I am still analyzing the co-narcissistic relationship I was in. I guess it is time to start thinking of my role as an enabler 🤔

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting! Yes, it is sometime difficult to see the enabling behaviors since we tend to think we are being helpful or that we are needed but when we take a step back and ask ourselves why we are doing it – what is our motivation – it becomes very clear. Thank you again!


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