Enabler, Excuses, Evasive
Let me just start this with the saying, “You don’t know what you don’t know” and I didn’t know. I didn’t know what an enabler was. I didn’t know that all my “helping” was actually “harming”. I didn’t know that trying to save someone from their toxic behaviors was feeding their need to continue. I didn’t know that my “unselfishness and self-sacrifice” was unhealthy. I didn’t know.
When my ex was in the throes of his addiction I could not see the part I was playing. When he needed a ride to get his drugs, I drove him. When he needed money (for whatever lie he told me), I gave it to him. When he ran from the police after crashing his car, I hid him. When he was verbally abusive, I danced the dance. And on and on and on…
I made excuses for him when he did not show up for work. I made excuses for him when he did not show up to family/friend functions. I made excuses for him when he totaled my car. I made excuses for him when he verbally and physically abused me.
There was so much chaos in my life and I was ever so evasive about it. When someone asked how things were going for me I would respond, “Great!” Totally and utterly a complete lie. I avoided personal conversations as much as I could so that not so much as a tiny hint of emotion could expose me. I was so evasive about the reality of my life; I straight up lied about it 24/7. And guess what? I was lying to myself, too.
Oh good grief that was so ugly to write.
I now understand that trying to help someone who is not willing to receive it or ready to do the necessary work themselves to change is unhealthy. I check my motives before I help. I do not make excuses for anyone and their bad behaviors and I do not lie about my life any longer. My life is an open book and again, I don’t care who judges it. It amazes me that I was this person in the past but today I can find myself pretty amazing.