Codependency up in my face…

It’s been a crazy few weeks and so far, I have survived. My codependency has been all up in my face, in all areas of my life. Ugh, I hate when that happens. The fact that I have been terribly sick this past week and I just can’t find the joy in me for this holiday season, just makes it that much harder to be strong or really even care much. Auto-pilot has been the course of action for the week. Only doing what absolutely has to be done and isolating myself from the world when I can.

I finally put up the Christmas tree but my heart was definitely not in it. My daughter and I decided this year we would buy all new decorations and do a theme for our tree, which we have never done in the past. We finally decided to surprise my granddaughter with a Disney’s “Frozen” theme for our tree and went and purchased everything we thought we needed that would create this theme for her.

I drug the tree out of the garage and began putting it together. Oh how I didn’t want to be doing that but my granddaughter was patiently waiting. When it was time to put the decorations on, I just let her do it all. My first thought was that I would go back later and rearrange them so the tree looked a little more balanced and pleasing to the eye. She is only 5 you know and decorating a 7 foot tree is a bit challenging at that age. LOL! Well, I never did. I just don’t care. Eighty percent of the ornaments are on the lower front portion of the tree and that is where they are going to stay. She loves it and I just don’t care to do anything about it.

We had a couple of terrible storms blow through last weekend. After the first night, I noticed a very large puddle of water sitting on my office floor by the back door. I thought the weather stripping was bad and that the wind was blowing the rain in under the threshold of the door. I sopped up the water and placed a couple of towels at the bottom of the door to catch any more water that may come in. Within a few hours, when I went back into the office, I noticed the sopping towels and even more water than before. I looked out back and noticed the lake of water that had pooled against the back of my house and was just an inch below the tiny porch outside the backdoor. I sopped up more water and tried to jerry-rig some plastic over the thresh hold to keep the water from coming in. Well, a couple of hours later, there was even more water. UGH! That’s when I realized that it wasn’t coming through under the door but under the wall, through the foundation.

At that point, I was tired and not feeling well already but I really didn’t want to ask for help. So, what did I do? I picked up the shovel and went out into the back yard, in the dark and started digging a trench to drain off the water, all by myself. Yep, pride gets me every time. I dug for an hour out in the rain, standing in water anywhere from 6 – 8 inches deep. Damn but I have mad trenching skills! Later that night my best friend called (because she saw my post on Facebook) and asked if she and her husband could help in anyway. Of course I said “No” but she insisted they were coming over. Her poor husband went out in the rain and dug a couple more trenches and cleaned out two of my gutters to help drain the water away from the house. I felt weak and discouraged, not because they helped me but because I really did need the help and I didn’t want to need it. The very next night I came down with a cough which has turned into the worst chest cold I have had in years. Maybe that’ll teach me to let go of my pride? Probably not.

I spent most of the day today trying to finish up the Christmas shopping I have no desire to do with the money I don’t have to spend. I had a few conversations with God today along the way asking for some kind of direction in a relationship I was hoping was growing with someone. Well, that answer came very loud and very clear tonight. I really wasn’t expecting God to answer me that quickly but He did. Things will not be what I had hoped they would eventually. I was a bit saddened at first but only for a few minutes because I know God is right. We will remain friends but that’s all we will be and that’s okay. He really is a wonderful man, just not the man for me. I’m good with that. What I’m not good with anymore is being alone and not having that special someone to share life with. What I am hearing is that I really need to focus on what I want and not just accept what comes along. That, my friends, will be another post coming soon.

So, once again, I reflect over my actions or lack there of in some cases, and try to learn and grow, knowing God has a plan for my life and I just need to get out of the way.