Finding My Way Back…

For many, many years now, the holidays have been a bit difficult for me. At Easter time one year, I found out my (2nd) husband was having an affair. The following Christmas Eve, I found out he was thinking of going back to her. That 4th of July, I kicked him out. A few years ago, my (3rd) husband went on a “run” and on Thanksgiving day, I had to explain to my mother what was really happening in my life. The very next day I was delivered the news that the baby I was carrying in my womb would not live. I spent Christmas alone that year as my husband was in still out of the house using. I was admitted to the hospital on New Year’s Eve and had to have a c-section at 20 weeks along and my baby died within minutes. A couple of years ago, a physical altercation between my brother and my boyfriend (at the time), sent me to spend Thanksgiving in my room by myself. Along with the financial struggles the holidays bring, mine were filled with emotional turmoil as well. The combination always left me empty and defeated.

I remember when I was young, I loved the holidays; all of them. I would be excited and counting the days, engulfed in the spirit and anticipation of the celebration.  Now, they are just something I must get through each year and do the best I can to make it enjoyable for my family. (Oh if that wasn’t a codependent statement right there, I don’t what is!) If it wasn’t for my children and granddaughter, I would just skip them all together. I don’t consciously dwell on the past each year, thinking about all the terrible times I’ve had but for some reason, they bring no more excitement to me. There is no joy in them.

I need to find my way back to the spirit of the holidays. I think of all the things that can help to put me in the spirit, especially now, at Christmas time, and know it really isn’t going to take much but…Ugh, I hate to admit it but the problem is my attitude. I seemed to have developed this “negative Nellie” syndrome and this crap needs to stop!

I am going to turn on the Christmas music, sing my heart out and focus on the “Reason for the Season”. It is not about me and what I have been through, whether I’m alone or surrounded by family, whether I have money or not; It’s about Christ and the greatest love there ever will be. He suffered so much more than I will ever experience and He did it for me. How can I not celebrate with joy in my heart?

I will keep my focus on the “joy” this year. I will not complicate it with emotions from the past that serve no purpose in my life today. The holidays are what I make them, so this year, I will make them wonderful!