Week 22: The Difference Between Walls and Boundaries

The Difference Between Walls and Boundaries: Finding the Sweet Spot Between Openness and Protection

When I first began to set boundaries, it was confusing and difficult. I used to think I was setting healthy boundaries, but in reality I was building emotional walls, tall and thick ones. I told myself it was self-protection, a way to keep the chaos out. But really, I was shutting everyone out, including the people who genuinely cared. I didn’t realize I had confused isolation with safety.

Boundaries and walls can look similar at first glance. They both involve saying “no,” stepping back, and guarding our emotional energy. But the difference lies in intention and outcome. Walls are built from fear and boy could I build some walls. Boundaries are built from self-respect.

Here are a couple of examples:

Communication in Relationships

• Wall (Fear): “I’m done with people. I’m never telling anyone how I feel again because they always let me down.”
  (This response is rooted in fear of being hurt, so it shuts people out entirely.)
• Boundary (Self-Respect): “I’m willing to share my feelings, but only with people who have shown they can listen without judgment.”
  (This sets a respectful limit while still allowing for connection.)

Responding to Conflict

• Wall (Fear): Ignoring texts or cutting someone off without explanation after an argument.
  (This avoids vulnerability and discomfort but leaves no room for resolution.)
• Boundary (Self-Respect): “I need time to process what happened. I’m not ready to talk yet, but I’ll reach out when I am.”
  (This communicates a need while maintaining respect for both yourself and the relationship.)

Walls feel rigid, defensive, and isolating. They keep people out, but they also keep you in. Sometimes, though, people can be so toxic or harmful that walls are necessary, and cutting ties becomes the healthiest and safest choice. Boundaries, on the other hand, are more flexible. They’re built on self-awareness, clear communication, and trust in yourself. Boundaries allow you to engage with others without abandoning your needs or well-being.

I started learning this difference the hard way after finding myself lonely, misunderstood, and wondering why no one was “safe.” Turns out, I wasn’t allowing anyone to show me they could be. Once I began replacing my walls with healthy boundaries, things shifted. I could still protect my heart, but I also gave it the chance to connect.

Now, when I feel the urge to shut down or push people away, I ask myself: “Am I setting a boundary or am I building a wall?”

One protects. The other isolates. And healing, I’ve learned, happens somewhere in the middle where I can be open, discerning, and rooted in self-worth.

Reflection Question:
Have you ever mistaken a wall for a boundary or a boundary for a wall? What helped you find the balance?

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Join me on this blogging challenge. Visit the page and download the PDF. I would love to read your story! 

• Week 22 – Blogging Challenge for Codependency Recovery:
  • Celebrating Small Wins: Reflect on progress you’ve made in recovery so far.
• Week 22– Blogging Challenge for Advanced Codependency Recovery:
  • The Difference Between Walls and Boundaries: Reflect on finding a balance between openness and protection.

#CodependencyChallenge2025