I’m Available… Just Not 24/7: A Lesson in Boundaries

Lately, I’ve been pretty stuck on the topic of boundaries. Once again, I find myself facing the challenge of setting them—only this time, I need to work through doing it in a loving and respectful way.

I have a situation that needs to be dealt with—and soon. I’ve learned that when I fail to set boundaries and communicate them, I have no one to blame but myself. So, let me lay it all out—why this boundary needs to be set and why, in a way, it’s almost comical… but also incredibly frustrating.

Let’s rewind a few years. Back then, I was a supervisor at a call center and had become friends with one of the team leads. She had been in the same rehab facility as my ex-husband, and without fully understanding my own codependency at the time, I got pulled into her drama. Her car had broken down, so I had been giving her rides to and from work almost daily.

One Sunday afternoon, she called and left a message asking me to call her back. I didn’t answer because, at the time, any call I took—no matter who it was from—would spark accusations and fights with my then-addict husband. I assumed she needed a ride and figured I’d call her back later that evening. I forgot, and she never called again.

The next morning, I walked into work and was immediately pulled into my manager’s office. All the other supervisors were crammed in there, and then my manager told me—she had passed away the night before. Likely an accidental overdose.

I completely lost it. I cried and cried. They sent me to a grief counselor, which only made me feel worse. All I could think about was the guilt—because I didn’t call her back. I was drowning in the “what ifs.”
What if I had answered?
What if I had called her back sooner?
What if I could have stopped it?

For months afterward, I answered every single phone call I could. If I missed one, I called back—whether they left a message or not, whether I recognized the number or not. It got to the point where the phone consumed me. I was beyond stressed. Then, my counselor pointed out how unhealthy this had become. He reminded me that if it was important, people would leave a message. More importantly, he helped me see that I had no control over her choices. Nothing I did or didn’t do would have changed the outcome.

It was like he had given me permission to be normal again. Slowly, I learned to let go, and phone calls became easier.

Now, fast forward to today. Like most people in this tech-heavy world, I have multiple ways to be reached—email, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, my cell phone, a business number that forwards to my cell phone, and I work from my laptop all day. In other words, I am highly accessible.

However…

• If you call me and I don’t answer, leave a message. If you ask me to call back, I will—when I am available.
• If you don’t leave a message or don’t specifically ask for a callback, I might not return the call. It depends on the message.
• If you text me, I’ll text you back—when I am available.
• If you email me, I’ll respond—when I am available.
• If you message me, I’ll reply—when I am available.

Sounds reasonable, right? Healthy, even? Well, here’s where it gets frustrating…

• If you leave me a voicemail, you do NOT need to also text, email, or message me.
• If you text me, you do NOT need to also email, call, or message me.
• If you message me, you do NOT need to also call, text, or email me.

And under no circumstances—unless it’s an emergency or I’ve gone radio silent for several days—should you be calling my friends or family to “track me down.” I promise, I will respond when I am available. Maybe I’m busy. Maybe I’m driving. Maybe I’m sick. Or maybe—I just don’t feel like talking!

I also understand that sometimes, I genuinely forget to respond. A gentle reminder? Totally fine. A snarky, sarcastic message five minutes later? Not so much. That doesn’t exactly inspire me to respond any faster.

The truth is, I have a few people in my life who, for whatever reason, feel I should be available to them 24/7. When they start hunting me down, it pushes me to the point where I don’t want to respond at all. I recognize that’s not the healthiest reaction, which is why setting these boundaries is necessary.

At the end of the day, it’s my responsibility to communicate my boundaries. If I don’t, it’s not their fault—it’s mine. (Although, I have to admit, common sense and common courtesy should play a role here too!)

So, consider this me taking responsibility and putting my boundary out there. Now, let’s see if people respect it.

I would love to hear some of the boundaries you have had to set!