Insecure, Individual, Isolation, Insanity
Insecure – subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured
It’s not pleasant to remember how terribly insecure I used to be. Leave me alone for 10 minutes and I thought my life would end. Walk out that door and I worried you would never come back. Have a bad day and I knew I had done something to cause it.
There was never a time when my insecurities held more control over me than with my drug addicted ex-husband. Of course I think he took some sick pleasure in making sure he created an environment that fed those monstrous beasts. He would leave and not return my calls or texts. He would have conversations with other women on the phone and discuss what they were going to do right in front of me. He would tell me I was fat and an idiot and no one else would want me. I would beg him to not leave because I was so insecure that I thought he wouldn’t come back. I would apologize for upsetting him because I was so insecure I thought he would leave me. I would do whatever he wanted because I was so insecure I didn’t think I could get anyone else. My insecurities consumed me.
I was not an individual. There was no “me”. If I was in a relationship, I considered it a “we”. Whatever you liked is what I would like (even if I didn’t). If we went any place it was because it was where you wanted to go. If we did anything it is because it was what you wanted to do. Whatever we ate for dinner is whatever you wanted. I could not focus on anything I wanted or desired because I was so insecure in who I was that I didn’t really know what that was.
I would become overwhelmed with life and I would isolate. I would cut off my friends and family so they would not see the depths of my despair and the insanity of my life. I lived day in and day out living for you, not seeing what I was doing to me. There was no “me”.
Thank God I am no longer that person! My recovery has taught me to live for me. My desires and dreams are important! My likes and dislikes are important! My security and peace of mind are important! They are ALL so very important to me!
I put my insecurities in check when they pop-up (and they will every now and then). I no longer live for you, I live for “me” and I do not allow people in my life that do not respect me as an individual. My life is more fulfilling because it is of me and about me. You may think that is so self-centered but it is not. Knowing, loving and respecting myself makes me a better person for those in my life. I can be who I am and enjoy who you are without worrying if I am enough because I know today, that I am.