Just straight up rambling…

Sadness hit me this morning…but it will not keep me!

I was on the phone with someone dear to me today and she is really struggling with her job. I get that. I’ve been there. Over the last month, I have done what I could to encourage her. I have done what I am capable of doing. I do not know what else to say, other than what has already been said. I do not know how to encourage her and there is nothing I can do to fix it for her. Not that I would, well I might if I could to be honest, but I can’t regardless. We got into a little argument because she’s tired of hearing the same thing and hung up on me. That stung but I let it go and went on with my morning.

Then, I called my father. It’s his birthday today and he is 73. Early last year he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and so he just sits around waiting to die. I asked what he had planned for the day and he said, “Absolutely nothing”. I asked if they were at least going out to dinner. He said they might but he didn’t want to go. I said he really needed to get out more and get some fresh air. He said, “I do. I go out back and walk from one side to the other. That’s my life. And I sit in my little space in the garage and listen to my music.” He said that he’s okay with his life and is just waiting for it to be over. My heart broke. I can’t even imagine what he must feel like and what he must be going through.

Where did I come from? My brother use to tell me I was adopted and if we did not look so much alike (especially when we were younger, I might have believed him. My personality is so completely different than anyone’s in my family. My father and brother are two of the most negative and unhappy people I know. My mother is strong and determined and independent. Me, well, I don’t even know how to describe myself. I am none of that.

Let me tell you how my friends describe me. The “pathetically hopeful optimist” sums it up. To put it simply, sometimes they get tired of the “rainbows, butterflies and unicorns dancing around my head”. Not that I don’t have my bad days, I do. I can be negative, angry, mean, and downright ugly inside and out. I try not to stay in that place long as it serves no purpose. Yes, I am naturally a positive person. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life, I want to overcome obstacles and be better for it. I just don’t understand or relate to people who don’t. I hope and pray that I never become a person that is just sitting around waiting to die. His words saddened me so.

Being a codependent is such a burden. I hate feeling what others are feeling sometimes. And yes, I physically feel it. So it’s time to get up and get on with MY life today, make it enjoyable and not worry about those that are stuck in their own misery, especially since there is nothing I can do to help. I think I’ll head out to get myself a Starbucks mocha and then go listen to my friend’s band play.

Make the most of your life!