It has been a bi-polar couple of days in my world and just when I think I’m about to lose it, God sent me a message from an angel!
It’s 4:03 am and I haven’t been able to sleep again for the 2nd night in a row. Some interesting events have unfolded over the past couple of days that had left me pretty numb, until about an hour ago when I went to lay down and tried to sleep. I couldn’t sleep. My head was spinning. Things were revealed to me over the past 2 days and I thought, “wow, I don’t even know how to feel about that”. Well, I guess I do now.
I remember years ago, a counselor told me that I had to grieve. I had lost my identity as to who I was when I left a job after 16 years, I had lost a baby, I had lost my step-father, I had lost a friend to an accidental overdose, I had lost a relationship with my husband and I had lost all my hopes and dreams. All within a matter of about 10 months. I thought I was handling everything pretty well, but of course, I was sitting in a counselor’s office now wasn’t I? He pulled out a paper and explained the stages of grief to me: denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. He also explained that there was no certain order that these stages came in and that it was possible to be in one or more of theses stages at the same time. I laughed and told him, “That’s my problem! I must be in so many stages for each of these losses that I don’t know whether I’m coming or going!”
Well, here I am again. I think over the past few months, I tried to skip over denial, anger and bargaining, spend just a few brief days in depressions and slide in for home stretch of acceptance. I thought I was doing a great job of accepting the ways things were going. I thought I was handling it all pretty well. Then I went to bed.
My mind started, once again, to start spinning about all the things that had numbed me over the past two days. Tears started flowing. I was angry. Laying there, trying to refocus my thoughts and stop the tears, but it just wouldn’t happen. My mind raced, thinking of all the things I was going to say to these people who have hurt me. I was planning it out. Then, I got up to write about how angry and hurt I was. Before I left the covers of my bed, I knew I would start my post with, “I am hurt and angry so if my language is going to offend you please don’t read any further”. Yep, I was on a rampage.
I came into my office, turned on my laptop and logged in. Before I could hit the “new post” button, I saw that I had a comment from someone, waiting to be approved, so I opened it. God bless this young lady! I have been following her blog for a couple of weeks now and have made a couple of comments on her posts. This morning she posted on mine. The last sentence of her comment to me was, “You are really inspiring, so thank you for being a motivation to start this journey myself.”
Oh I cried even harder than I had been crying before, but instantly is was a different cry. I started this blog for two reasons: to help me get things out of my head and maybe, possibly, someday it would encourage someone else. Her comment touched my heart so deeply and it affirmed in my mind the reason I am doing this. I was so blessed to know that my little rantings and ramblings had touched someone so.
So as I log off this morning, I am in a much better place. I personally believe God knew what I needed and sent me a message from an angel.