Staying on my side of the street is not always easy, however, I did it this past week. Someone very near and dear to me fell off the wagon this past week and my heart is truly sad. I have actually had four loved ones fall off within the past three weeks. Needless to say, it has been very sad and stressful.
It is really hard to prepare yourself for a fall (relapse). I tend to keep very hopeful and positive that it won’t happen, knowing in reality, that it could and may. I must say, I am proud of myself. I did not question, try to reason, scold, try to understand, enable, etc. All those ugly things I, as a codependent, have done in the past.
My past unhealthy relationship, was my battle ground. I felt I needed to try to understand, make him talk to me and tell me why. I would get angry and tell him all the things he was doing wrong thinking that would bring him to his senses and back on the right track. I covered for him, lied for him, and went to get his stuff for him (so he wouldn’t have to drive). My life stopped and everything I did or didn’t do, evolved around him and his disease. At one point, I tried to control his use by flattening the tires on his bicycle thinking that if he didn’t have a way to get there, he would stay home and not drink or use. HA! What was I thinking? He did have two legs and they worked just fine!
I refuse to do that in my current relationships. My friends and loved ones who have fallen off, have a program and they know what they need to do. I do not need to tell them. I need to keep my mouth shut and pray! I need to be sure that I am doing the things I need to do to be healthy and happy.
This week was a little challenging but I did not fall off the codependent wagon myself. I kept busy doing the things I would normally do on any other given day. I babysat my granddaughter, I went to a business networking luncheon, I did work for a client, I went to my daughter’s graduation (she is now a medical assistant), I dealt with my finances, and I kept living a normal life. It has been a good test of my recovery and I am happy to say I feel I handled it superbly!
The good news is that I think everyone is back on track and I did not have to do anything to make that happen. YAY ME!