It’s funny, when I was doing the unhealthy things and the codependent behaviors I so often did, I was comfortable with the pain and disappointment. It’s what I grew up with, it’s what I knew. It was expected and understood to some extent. Does that make sense?
Today, I had to do what was right and healthy for me and the pain of that frickin hurts! My world is crumbling around me and I feel like I’m falling off the edge. I made a stand and life is now ugly and hopeless…for the moment. The choices I made today seem to come easier but the pain of the consequences is almost unbearable. My head is spinning. My eyes are burning. My stomach is knotted. My heart hurts. I am sad beyond sad, but I know it was right.
I know I am not in control and there is nothing I can do but keep living my life. I have to pick up my granddaughter in the morning. She needs her grandma to be in the here and now with her. She needs me to play and love on her. She needs me to let her know life is beautiful and plant seeds of goodness and hope in her little soul. I have to work with a client tomorrow. I need to be positive and helpful. I need to get my stuff together if I want to grow my business and be successful, even if at this minute, I feel like a complete and utter failure at life. I never imagined at 46 I would feel so hopeless once again.
I never thought I’d be here again but here I am. Sucks to be me right now. Pity party for the moment but tomorrow is a new day and life goes on. I have no other choice than to be part of it.
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