My A – Z Codependency Challenge – S

Secrets, Self-Sabotage

Did you know that codependents keep secrets? Seriously, they do! Well, I did! Yep, they were deep, dark secrets that led to a whole lot of self-sabotage. Keeping those secrets helped to keep me down, locked in a prison in my own mind. Those secrets choked the life out of me.

Other than the secret I kept that I was married to an inmate, I held onto many more destructive secrets which led me to continually make some pretty stupid choices in my life.  You see, secrets keep us a slave to fear. The biggest and most powerful fear I was a slave to, was the fear of judgment. If people knew my deepest, darkest secrets, I just knew they would judge me. And if they judged me, they would most likely leave me. If they didn’t leave, they would most likely view me as damaged goods and our relationship would be different. They would think of me as incapable, unworthy, less than, untrustworthy…yadda, yadda, yadda…and that was just no okay with me. So I kept my secrets.

When I finally entered into the rooms of Celebrate Recovery, I learned the truth. The truth was, and is, that those secrets only hurt me. The only one that was really judging me was me. I didn’t think I was capable, worthy, of any value, trustworthy…yadda yadda, yadda, yadda. I only sabotaged my own happiness and peace of mind.

In Celebrate Recovery, I found a sponsor to help me work through my issues and secrets. She was a safe person; one I could relate to and had walked the path of recovery before me. She made it safe for me to talk about my deepest, darkest secrets without any judgment or condemnation. She understood the burden I carried and helped me to lay it down.  She walked along side of me through this journey and helped me focus on forgiving; not just forgiving others but more so, on forgiving myself. This helped to release the fear these secrets created and allowed me to change my thinking about who and what I was.

My life is an open book these days. Secrets no longer keep me enslaved to unhealthy thinking or behaviors. What someone may think of me is not my concern. It is only what I think of myself that matters. That’s what keeps me growing and that’s what keeps me healthy and when I am healthy, I am a much better person for you.

I have seen many new bloggers starting their blogs to help them let out their secrets; the secrets that burden them and cause so much internal damage. I commend them and appreciate their honesty and transparency. I know writing about my secrets was very therapeutic and healing for me and I hope it helps them on their journey of healing and recovery.