I had an experience this weekend, one that is both comical (to me) and profound. I laugh at my doubt and insecurities but am in awe of God’s humor and confirmation.
Years ago I told Lucy that I was going to be an inspirational speaker some day, taking my testimony and sharing it with those who have become weary and have lost hope. I know God has done an amazing work in my life and I know I am meant to share that story. BUT, I also know that I hate speaking in front of people and I truly do NOT have a gift for public speaking.
In the past, I have always only had to read my testimony. That was a little easier but still very, very uncomfortable. It had been a few years since I had given my testimony and I was presented with the opportunity to share it two weeks ago with a wonderful group. I read through it as usual and yes, experienced the same anxiety I have always had.
I attended the Unstoppable Conference this past Thursday through Saturday and though I was bitter and had a terrible attitude the day I arrived, God still managed to get my attention and humble me through the course of the three days. I hate when that happens, yet I love when that happens. I try very hard to get off the dance floor when dealing with people and can usually do it quite easily these days. However, I don’t seem to get off as quickly when doing the dance with God. You know how that goes, right?
God reveals something to me and I reject it.
God reveals it again and I just blow it off thinking it’s all in my head.
God reveals it again and I say, “Nope, you don’t really mean it for me.”
God reveals it again and I think it’s just me being up in my head.
God reveals it again and I doubt that’s what He wants me to do.
God reveals it again and I ignore it.
On and on and on…He keeps revealing and I keep denying.
So on Friday evening, God revealed it to me again. You see, God is calling me to share my story to encourage others. I told him that I have shared and it’s even on the internet for the world to see but he says that’s not what he wants. He keeps telling me he wants me to “speak”. Here’s where it gets funny… I decided to do something different. I decided to say, “Okay, BUT…” I need to know that this isn’t me up in my mind, thinking that I want to do this but am too afraid to do it.
At the conference there were raffle prizes that we purchased tickets for and placed our tickets in the baskets in front of the prizes we wanted to win. I thought, “Okay God, if you want me to do public speaking, you will let me win this free 30 minute voice lesson”, from Jules, a woman who is a voice coach for speakers and singers. I placed just a few of my tickets in her basket and went about my way. Saturday, they pulled tickets for the raffle prizes and I did not win. Whew!
At the end of the conference while I was running around collecting money, taking some video clips, and talking with some of the ladies, I noticed Jules talking to Lucy. The next thing I know, Jules is walking over to me and handing me the certificate for the 30 minute voice lesson saying, “You forgot to pick up your prize.” I, of course, quickly replied, “I didn’t win it!”
Um, yeah…I can rationalize all I want. I can argue that Lucy is the one that told Jules I was testing God and I can argue that my ticket wasn’t drawn, but…it really doesn’t matter. Of all the prizes that could have been presented to me in that way, God chose a voice lesson. I basically asked for a solid confirmation and I’m pretty sure I got it.
Now, I must quit arguing with God, be BOLD and step out if FAITH! If this is what He really wants, then I will take this journey with Him.