Looking back on my past and the chaos I created in my own life, I often wonder how am I ever going to trust myself again. Years of bad decisions and choices have, at times, left me completely and utterly discouraged at my own ability to discern what is best for me. I certainly can’t live with the, “If it feels good, do it” attitude because I know that’s just a train wreck waiting to happen. I also don’t want to have to dissect and analyze everything I do, listing out the pros and cons, etc. Is there a happy medium?
Prior to my years of codependent recovery, my decisions were based on others and how it would affect/help them. I never gave thought to how they would affect me. If I ever did, it was along the lines of, “they really need me” or “it’s really important to them” and I would totally disregard the little voice inside me telling me this was wrong or this isn’t good for you. Basically, I told my little inner voice to shut the hell up!
Now I’m not saying I can’t make a good decision or discern what is right and healthy for me because I can…most of the time. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, I don’t trust myself anymore. If it involves being in a relationship with a significant other, I don’t trust me.
I keep telling myself and everyone else, I don’t want to be in a relationship, I just want to date, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know how to just date! I don’t know how to go out and date without getting emotionally attached. I DON’T WANT TO BE EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED! I don’t want the responsibility of being in a relationship. I don’t want the stress of being in a relationship. I don’t want the commitment of being in a relationship. But, at the same time, that’s what I know.
I thought after having so much recovery under my belt, I would make better choices in my next relationship. Well, what a rude awakening that was. I thought I had chosen to be with someone who genuinely loved me for me. I thought I was with someone who had some recovery also and understood what it took to make a relationship work. I thought my needs were being met just as much as I was meeting his. Well, I was WRONG. Once again, the choices I made led me through 4 years of deceit and manipulation. I didn’t even see it for the first 3. How could I be so fooled? If I have to tell the truth, I am angrier at myself than I am at him. How could I not see it?
So here I am today, not wanting to be in a relationship but not knowing how to do that. I enjoy my space today and having to only be responsible for myself. Am I misleading myself with that determination? Am I lying to myself? Am I being fair to myself? Am I being fair to others? No matter which way I go, I see a train wreck coming.
Proverbs 16:9 says, “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” I guess that is where I am going terribly wrong. I have made my plan and it probably isn’t in alignment with what God has planned for me and I am fighting His plan every step of the way. A little soul searching is due but at this very moment, I am not ready. Just being real.