How’s That Working for You? – A Recovery Reality Check

When you step into the rooms of recovery—any kind of recovery—you’ll quickly notice that they’re filled with sayings, little nuggets of wisdom often referred to as “tools.” These tools serve as gentle (and sometimes not-so-gentle) nudges to keep us on track or help us find our way back when we’ve wandered off course. One of my absolute favorites? Well, let’s just say I’ve both asked and been asked this one plenty of times.

I won’t lie—there’s a certain satisfaction in posing this question to someone else. Yes, yes, I do ask myself this question, although it certainly is more fun when I get to ask someone else. Okay, maybe “fun” isn’t exactly the right word, but let’s be real—I’ve had my fair share of chuckles over it. The truth is, recovery doesn’t have to be a grim, rigid, or exhausting process. Sure, it requires effort, but it can also be filled with laughter, connection, and even a little bit of playful banter. It’s not something meant to be done alone—although, unfortunately, some do try.

Take my best friend—let’s call her Lucy. She is a textbook codependent, and I say that with love (because, well, takes one to know one, right?). Over the years, we’ve had countless conversations that ended with me looking at her, raising an eyebrow, and asking, “So, how’s that working for you?” Sometimes, she lets out an exasperated sigh and admits it’s not. Other times, I get an earful about why she’s absolutely certain it should be working. And on rare occasions, I get a playful (or not-so-playful) whack on the arm.

But here’s the thing—whenever that question gets turned back on me, it usually means I’ve wandered into the land of control, trying to manage something (or someone) that isn’t mine to manage. It’s a gentle but firm reminder to take a step back, breathe, and recognize that I am not responsible for fixing everything or making everyone happy. More often than not, it forces me to pause and examine what fears are driving my need to meddle. Am I afraid of being alone? Of being unneeded? Of things falling apart if I don’t step in?

So, here’s a little challenge for you. The next time you find yourself knee-deep in frustration, ranting about someone or something beyond your control, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “So, how’s that working for you?” Then answer honestly. No sugarcoating. No justifications. Just the raw truth. You might just discover that the very thing you’re gripping onto so tightly is the very thing you need to let go of.