I tried to get out of bed today and it made me cry. I thought about eating something and it made me cry. I though about what to do today and it made me cry. I tried to reach out and it made me cry. I dropped ashes in my coffee and it made me cry.
I’ve been hurt much this past week and though I was down and struggling some, I was managing to slowly (albeit very slowly) work through it. Until last night. I can’t even begin to describe the hurt and humiliation I suffered last night from someone I don’t even know and the utter devastation and betrayal by someone, who has been a part of my life for 35 years, who allowed it. I hurt today. I hurt worse than I have in many, many years.
I sat in my bed for several hours this morning trying to figure out what I needed to do to work through this. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. There is no quick fix for this. I could have lashed back when the texts came through my phone. I could have responded with the same disgust and ugliness. I could have…but I didn’t. I did not respond at all. So that is where I start. Once again, getting off and staying off the dance floor.
Sure, I have things to say, I want to be heard and I want them to hurt just as much as I do, but where does that leave me? Fighting a pointless battle that will not solve anything or bring things back to the way they were. I don’t even want them back to the way they were, so why would I fight the battle? Because I’m hurt? Would that make it right and would I feel better? No, not at all. So I’m done.
Today I don’t feel like doing much of anything and guess what? I don’t have to. I plan to give myself some grace and allow myself to feel the pain and know that it is not the end of the world and I will heal…if I choose to. And yes, I choose to.
I choose to be the better person. I choose to be a lady with some class. I choose to think about me and what I need. I CHOOSE to KNOW that I am beautiful, worthy and significant and if others don’t know that, it is not my loss, it is theirs. I CHOOSE to know that GOD loves me more than anyone on this earth possibly could and He has a plan for my life and I CHOOSE to allow Him to reveal it to me. I CHOOSE to not be hardened by the pain and disappointment. I CHOOSE to LIVE and I CHOOSE to be HAPPY and in time (a very short time because I will not wallow here long) I WILL be!
This spoke to me on so many levels Terri. I know sometimes it’s very hard but thank you for sharing.
Sending love! thank you for sharing your strength in the midst of pain. Love you!
These are all good choices! Go you. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Antanika!