I dropped ashes in my coffee…

I tried to get out of bed today and it made me cry. I thought about eating something and it made me cry. I though about what to do today and it made me cry. I tried to reach out and it made me cry. I dropped ashes in my coffee and it made me cry.

I’ve been hurt much this past week and though I was down and struggling some, I was managing to slowly (albeit very slowly) work through it. Until last night. I can’t even begin to describe the hurt and humiliation I suffered last night from someone I don’t even know and the utter devastation and betrayal by someone, who has been a part of my life for 35 years, who allowed it. I hurt today. I hurt worse than I have in many, many years.

I sat in my bed for several hours this morning trying to figure out what I needed to do to work through this. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. There is no quick fix for this. I could have lashed back when the texts came through my phone. I could have responded with the same disgust and ugliness. I could have…but I didn’t. I did not respond at all. So that is where I start. Once again, getting off and staying off the dance floor.  

Sure, I have things to say, I want to be heard and I want them to hurt just as much as I do, but where does that leave me? Fighting a pointless battle that will not solve anything or bring things back to the way they were. I don’t even want them back to the way they were, so why would I fight the battle? Because I’m hurt? Would that make it right and would I feel better? No, not at all. So I’m done.

Today I don’t feel like doing much of anything and guess what? I don’t have to. I plan to give myself some grace and allow myself to feel the pain and know that it is not the end of the world and I will heal…if I choose to. And yes, I choose to.

I choose to be the better person. I choose to be a lady with some class. I choose to think about me and what I need. I CHOOSE to KNOW that I am beautiful, worthy and significant and if others don’t know that, it is not my loss, it is theirs. I CHOOSE to know that GOD loves me more than anyone on this earth possibly could and He has a plan for my life and I CHOOSE to allow Him to reveal it to me. I CHOOSE to not be hardened by the pain and disappointment. I CHOOSE to LIVE and I CHOOSE to be HAPPY and in time (a very short time because I will not wallow here long) I WILL be!