Pusillanimous, Passive Aggressive
I had an album when I was a teenager by the Rutles. I don’t remember where it came from but there was one song that always stuck with me, or should I say, one line from one song that always stuck with me; “You’re so pusillanimous, oh yeah.” I remember looking up the definition of pusillanimous and it struck a nerve. Maybe that’s why I remember it.
Pusillanimous – lacking firmness; cowardly; having a weak character; frightened of taking risks
I was a coward with a weak character and afraid to take any risks. I was also passive aggressive. (A defense mechanism that allows people who aren’t comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them.)
It took digging deep down inside, I’m talking backhoe kind of digging, to the find the strength and courage to change. I did not want to be weak any longer. I did not want to be controlled by my emotions and fears. I did not want to live for others especially when they were not living for me. Do you realize how draining and debilitating having a weak character can be? It sucks the life out of you.
In focusing on myself and what I needed to do to have the kind of life that I wanted was a long and hard road. It took time and practice. I found strength and courage I didn’t realize I possessed and each time I put on my big girl panties, I get braver and stronger. I know what I want from life and I know that I have it within myself to make my life more beautiful and fulfilling. I’m pretty sure that no one could ever refer to me as pusillanimous these days…I sure can’t!