Unworthy, Unhealthy, Unattainable, Unhinged
I have spent most of my life feeling unworthy; unworthy of love, unworthy of happiness, unworthy of peace… My unhealthy thoughts and behaviors and a total lack of self-respect fueled this unworthiness. And because I was so unhealthy, I unconsciously perpetrated unattainable expectation on myself and others.
I wanted to be loved and I expected that if I showered you with my love, I would be loved the way I needed in return. I wanted to be happy and I expected that if I could make you happy, you would strive to make me happy in return. I wanted peace in my life and I expected that if I made your life as peaceful as possible, my life would be peaceful too.
This was a cycle of madness that only caused me to feel more unworthy, more unhealthy, set more unattainable expectations, and eventually caused me to become unhinged. Or maybe, because I was already unhinged early in life, I was unhealthy. Kind of like: Which came first? The chicken or the egg? LOL
Ahhh, but today…today I know I am worthy. I am worthy of love, happiness, peace, self-respect, and so much more. The difference today is in the knowing. Oh sure, I have times when I slip back into old thinking and feel I don’t deserve this or that, but it’s during these times that I have to take control of my thoughts and bring myself back to a place of truth and reality. We are ALL worthy of these things and should not settle for less.