Trust, Teased, Tiresome, Tired
Trust – We are born with an innate ability to trust and as we grow, we develop a sense of who we can or cannot trust based on our life experiences. Somehow along the way, my trust sensor broke. I blame it on my lack of self-esteem from a very young age. You see, my need for approval and acceptance was far greater than my need for you to be trustworthy. How it happened, I don’t really understand myself. Sure, I can see how I developed such low self-esteem but it just boggles my mind that I would trust anyone who came into my life.
I always tried to see the good in people and that would become my focus; the good. Oh sure, I would see the signs (the bad) but I kept my focus on the good. That’s what broken people do. Looking back on my life, I can’t tell you how many situations I put myself in where I could have been raped, murdered and left on the side of the road. It horrifies me to think about it.
I trusted anyone who paid me any attention. I trusted anyone who said they loved me. I trusted anyone who made me feel good. I ignored even the tiniest twinge of doubt. There were times that doubt just screamed in my face but I couldn’t/wouldn’t hear it.
Teased – As far back as I can remember I was teased. My father and brother would tease me mercilessly. They would tease me just to make me cry and would laugh when they reached their goal. They would tease me and tell me how ugly I was. I wasn’t just ugly….I was, “ooooooooogllllyyyy…” Because I was born in Germany, my brother was always calling me a Kraut and a Nazi. He teased me for years (until I was 17) that I was going to be sent back to Germany when I turned 18. One summer, when I was about 6, we visited the Dachau Concentration Camp Memorial in Germany. As we walked through the camp, my brother said, “Look at what your people did”.
Now let me just explain; I was born in Germany because my father was in the US Army and was stationed there. I am half Japanese and half who knows. In tracing my family history, I don’t believe there is one iota of German in me. But, as a child, I did not know this and I lived in fear for many years that I would be sent back to Germany.
Tiresome – Do you realize how tiresome fear is? Do you know just how tiresome it is to try to make people want you and love you? Do you understand how tiresome it gets beating yourself up day after day, never feeling good enough? Yeah, I sure do. And when that weariness builds up, year after year, bad things are bound to happen.
Tired – I was so tired and weary of life. I was so tired of trying to find some semblance of happiness. I was so tired of the constant failures and disappointments. I was so tired of faking it and clinging to the hope that one day… In March of 2004, on the way back from visiting my husband who was paroled in LA, I saw a truck coming in my side-view mirror and thought about letting it run me off the highway. I thought about crashing my car several times on that drive home. I drove straight to the Emergency Room, sobbing the entire way. Six hours of crying…I was broken and desperately sick. The Dr. considered me, “suicidal, with a plan” and I ended up in a psychiatric facility for a week.
It still took me another year before I entered the rooms of recovery. Another year of insanity. Another year of faking it. But by the grace of God, I did end up there and that is where my life began.
Today life, and all its ups and downs, does not control me. I listen to my intuition about people and I do not just blindly put my faith in anyone. I am able to laugh at my faults but at the same time, I am constantly trying to grow and improve. When I get tired and weary, I am able to take a step back and reflect on what is really going on inside of me that is causing me to feel this way and I am able to do the necessary work to move from that place to a more peaceful place. Yep, I have tools now and I’m not afraid to use them!